It is difficult growing up in an area where there is a large number of people who don't approve of certain lifestyles. Well, let's be honest, they don't approve of any lifestyle that isn't their own. That was my childhood. I was raised right in the buckle of the “Bible belt.” Most people hear that I'm from Alabama and wonder how I've not been lynched or bashed every day of my life, but it's really not as bad as that. Mostly.
There was, however, an ever present feeling of just never really belonging. I never really understood why I was different as a child, but the other kids at school made it their personal business to ensure that I knew the fact as much as humanly possible. In my particular area it wasn't really common knowledge what being gay was or what it entailed. I didn't really even know what the kids were saying to me in school when they called me gay. I just disagreed vehemently because of the way they said it! Little did I know that not only were they right, but also that it was kind of a big deal in the area. People just didn't talk about it. You could have your sneaking suspicions, but you never out-and-out asked someone about it and heaven forbid someone proclaim it publicly and proudly!
Around puberty is when I started noticing that when asked what I thought about how a girl looked that I honestly didn't have an opinion. I knew something was up though when I saw the varsity boys’ soccer team practice for the first time though. Later on I got the internet and my journey to self-discovery began! I started looking into what being gay meant. Was I broken? Was it wrong? Can I be fixed? Should it be fixed? Is there even anything to fix? So I really have to thank the internet age for helping me come to grips with who I am. Little did I know that this would also be the method to which I would use to come out to those I love.
I had told a few of my friends about my major discovery, but that wasn't really what I considered my 'coming out' experience. It was more like me gathering up the courage to take the first step out of the closet. Ironically the first person to know was my “ex-girlfriend.” Don't get the wrong idea. We were essentially just best friends. The farthest we ever got was a peck on the lips. We were only around twelve or thirteen years old. It was middle school for goodness sake!
She was the one who really helped me feel like it was alright to be gay though. It all started with a simple, “I think I'm attracted to boys, I think I'm gay,” and that really got the ball rolling. She was the one who encouraged me to look more into it. I was probably around fifteen or sixteen at the time. I didn't actually fully decide to come out until I was nearly a senior in high school.
The big coming out is when you tell your parents, and I'm ashamed to admit that I kinda chickened out a bit. Actually, I chickened out hardcore. I was so scared of confronting my parents about it that I literally sat and took the time to write my parents and e-mail about it. That's right...I came out of the closet digitally.
That was the worst possible idea ever and I sincerely do not recommend anyone do it ever because it is the most nerve-wracking experience of your life afterward. Waiting after something like that can literally add years to your life! I was only eighteen at the time, and I swear that I have gray hairs because of that waiting period. I simply wrote from my heart to them though. I explained that I didn't feel like it was right of me to hide it anymore, and that I felt they deserved to know the truth. I declared proudly in the email that I was attracted to other guys, and that I hoped that they would still find it in their hearts to love me the same as always.
I sincerely told them that I hoped that they would still love me. I was so worried about being that person who was turned out of their home to wander the streets because of their sexual orientation. That was my thought process the whole time. I was thinking, “Good lord, Josh. What have you done? What if they throw you out? What if they don't love you anymore?” because that just felt like what would be the case because of the area that we lived in.
I could not have been more surprised by what truly happened. In fact, I would have never even dreamed of it happening the way that it did. I was sitting in my room in the middle of the afternoon doing homework and I hear some knocking on my door frame. I look up and it's my mother standing there, and my heart immediately just fell through the floor because I knew by the expression on her face that she had gotten my email. It was written clearing on her face. Tears. It was like all of the air in the room had been vacuumed out, and the temperature dropped a few degrees. I was very suddenly and acutely aware of my own heartbeat which had somehow found its way to the middle of my throat, yet had found a way to echo inside my ears. The only sound in the room for a minute or so was the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. Finally the silence was broken.
She simply said, “I got your email. How on Earth did you think that we would not love you anymore? I thought you would know your father and me better than that.” I was floored. It was literally the complete opposite of what I had expected. Turns out the reason she was crying was not because she was ashamed of me being gay, but it was as she explained “because of hardship you are going to have to deal with for the rest of your life just to be yourself.” I immediately started crying. How could I not? She wasn't ashamed. She wasn't angry. She was concerned. She was worried about my well-being in the future. She hugged me very tightly and it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
The next thing she said really just cemented the whole thing. She stated clearly, “I had a sneaking suspicion that you were going to end up gay when you were still a baby.” I could only just gape at her with my mouth hanging open. When I was finally able to reply, I said deadpan, “Well, it would've been nice if you had let me known this since I've been in mental anguish over it for a while now! Thanks, Mom!” We both laughed about it and ever since it has just been a fact of our lives. Just another facet to my being. I am proud to be gay, and I am proud to have parents that are so supportive. They have even embraced my boyfriend of three and a half years as a member of the family. My family is the exception to the rule and has kept the “Bible belt” from choking the life out of me. I could not possibly ask for better parents, and I thank my lucky stars every day of my life for having them.
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