AJ Bastardo, Illinois

After high school I decided to take a break from school and try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. At the time my close friend, Jenn, was planning on moving to Los Angeles. One night after pouring out my heart to her about my lack of direction; she asked me to leave Chicago and go with her. I was beyond excited to be away from my home and finally be free to live the way I wanted. I also decided that it would be the perfect time to come out the closet. I figured that no matter happened or what was said I would have somewhere to run to and another life I could start. I waited a week to go by, to make sure that coming out was what I really wanted, and I announced to my family that I had something I needed to talk to them about.

My dad and I have had a very close relationship, and I always knew that I could turn to him when I needed anything. Sadly though, my father was one of those guys who loved to joke about gay men and blurt out the word “fag” from time-to-time. This terrified me when it came time to finally open up to him.

The night of my big announcement started off on a sour note. My grandmother had gotten really ill and we had to rush to the hospital. The whole time my family prodded around for my big news. My sister was sure that I had gotten a girl pregnant, and my family was already giving me the “importance of being a good father” lecture. I knew it wasn’t the time or the place and decided to shrug of their questions.

We finally got home around midnight and I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but knew that this was now or never and I asked my family to meet in the living room. I never in my life felt more afraid and distant from the person I had made myself up to be. The person who they knew was starting to slip away already. I stared at them and took in their faces; imagining that this would be the last night I saw them.

I’ve always thought that it would be late in life when I would finally tell my family that I’m gay, because I did not think they would understand until then. I was already feeling myself paddling away from the conversation. I took a deep breath and clinched my phone tightly in my hand (I had already pre-dialed a friend’s number just in case I needed somewhere to go for the night). My whole body was tired and my brain felt like putty. The only thing that seemed to be moving and alive was my heart beating. I decided that I would start by telling them about Los Angeles – to ease the tension slightly.

“I’m going to move to Los Angeles with Jennifer”, I said, finally letting the words slip through my lips.

My dad and my step mom harassed me with questions about my willingness to move there with no prospects of a job and only enough money for two month’s food and rent saved up. After the conversation had died down I stood there looking for a way to move the topic. My step mom looked at me with worried eyes; as if she could tell that I was keeping something inside.

“Is there anything else you want to tell us?”

I looked at the doorway and then at them and the secret I had held for eighteen years poured from my lips.

“I’m gay”

I walked out the room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I went into my room and closed the door with my body against it. I felt breathless and began to dial my friend when I heard knocking on the door. I opened it and saw my father. I looked at his face and saw no tears or sadness. He swallowed hard and spoke.

“I love you more than anything in this world. I am your father, and you have nothing to cry about. I know that I probably didn’t make it easy for you to be open with yourself, but I promise that I won’t be that guy anymore,” He took me into his arms and I wept.

“It might take time for you to share that part of your life with me, but when you are I’ll be ready,” he said.

Then he let me go and told me to collect myself and come out and hug my sister and step mom. After that day I let go of everything that held me back from who I really was as a person. I didn’t need to hide anymore because I didn’t care anymore. There was no more worry about being discovered, and I didn’t care who else knew that I was gay because the most important people to me were okay with it. I never moved out west with Jennifer, but it was okay because I didn’t need somewhere to run to anymore.