I came out to my friends over winter break my senior year of college. I was 22 at the time.
The year prior I had lived with my best friend... we'll call him Marcus. For reasons I don't care to get into, Marcus was severely repressed. He was always ambiguous about his sexuality in high school, and after we attended the same college and decided to be roommates he came out to me and declared his love for me. At that time I didn't know I was gay, which now seems stupid. I should've known. But having him disclose his feelings escalated the process and I soon accepted my gayness.
Back to my senior year: Friends from out of town visited during break. After a night of heavy drinking, we all returned to my apartment. Marcus lived a few blocks away but crashed at my place with everyone else. In my drunken state I decided it would be a good idea to pick on Marcus. I kept pestering him while he was trying to chill and just generally was being an ass. That's what I did back then I guess. His best friend Robert, my frienemy and roommate, got annoyed with my antics. Marcus and I had not been getting along for several months at this point, and Robert had seen enough. He decided to defend Marcus. He chased me and based on his reaction I assumed we were about to get into a physical fight. I went to my room and locked the door, but my roommate, John, decided it would be a great idea to let Robert in to finish the argument despite my protests.
So we got into a fist fight.
Mind you, this was just before bed at like 2 or 3am and we were all in our underwear/pajamas. Fisticuffs ensued and it wasn't long before I was in a headlock on the floor of my room. Robert screamed "Why are you always so mean to Marcus!"
"You really want to know?!", I replied.
"Yes I really want to know!" Robert yelled.
"Marcus, stop this right now before I say something you'll regret." I told him.
Marcus, standing nearby with three of my other friends said, in the smallest voice ever heard out of a human being, "C'mon guys, stop it."
"FINE!", I said, "If you really want to know. The reason I'm mean to Marcus is because he's gay. I'm gay too. And we had sex!"
Time stopped.
The five or so friends staying over at my place were in shock. Mouths were wide opened.
For me the room was spinning.
Robert dropped me and ran off. He drove drunk, shirtless and shoeless in his truck to go tell his girlfriend what happened. Everyone else went to bed.
The next day I had to explain to friends on a road trip to visit a law school what had happened the night before. I need to explain why I looked like I lost a fight and was bleeding through my shirt the entire day.
I felt better though. Although I had outted someone who was supposed to be my best friend, it was also forcing me to stay in the closet. Looking back, I don't know what I would've done differently. I don't feel good about outting someone I care about. But I refuse to live a lie.
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