Chris Wytenus, New York

Looking back, I’d have to say the only remarkable thing about my coming out is how unremarkable the story is. Most coming out stories you read are quite moving, and many involve tears, screams and other intense reactions. But my coming out was nothing like that. In hindsight, the days I came out to different people all feel like normal, rather insignificant days. I guess that’s why this is the first time I’ve ever written about coming out. Because of the lack of excitement and drama, I never thought my story to be interesting enough until now.

When I was younger, I was definitely one of those kids you knew was different. I loved playing dress up with my sister, and I’m fairly certain I enjoyed wearing heels and dresses a lot more than she did. I loved the Spice Girls. Love might not be strong enough of a word. I was OBSESSED with the Spice Girls. I loved musicals, especially Cats. I even staged my own productions in the family living room. Needless to say, I was far from the average, heteronormative little boy. Thankfully, my parents let me do whatever the hell I wanted and didn’t try to suppress me. They did once try to get me to join a tee ball team, just because they genuinely thought I’d have fun, but I think that only lasted a day or two.

I don’t mean to paint my childhood as being all warm and fuzzy. I always had trouble making friends. Elementary school was rough because I didn’t want to play with the other boys. All I wanted to do was play with the girls, which was frowned upon for whatever reason. I guess because girls have cooties. Middle school was actually a disaster. I wasn’t bullied that often, but that’s only because I became really quiet and shy. I made the truly unfortunate decision to be ignored than be mocked. It took me years to regain the confidence and personality I lost during these years.

My parents noticed how unhappy I was in middle school so when I graduated they decided to enroll me in Catholic high school. I really liked the idea of reinventing myself. Since none of my classmates from middle school would be there, I could put the past behind me and start fresh. Thankfully, I found a crowd of really cool kids in high school I could hang out with. And although I didn’t come out to them immediately, I have a feeling everyone always knew on some level and it wasn’t an issue.

My freshman year is when I first told another person I was gay. I was noticing one of my close girlfriends staring at me during class on what was becoming a daily basis. It was obvious she had a crush on me. We were good friends, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so one night I decided to come out to her on AIM. Yes, via instant message. This was high school after all. She initially thought my being gay was just a phase, but it sunk in pretty quickly. We were only fourteen, so I wouldn’t have expected her to fully understand what being gay meant anyway. But I was relieved that she seemed to take the news so well. The first time was so easy I decided to come out to another girlfriend that night, too. I wasn’t ready to come out to everyone just yet, but I felt comfortable telling these girls. It felt really nice having two people I could be completely honest with.

It wasn’t until my junior year that I officially came out. This is around the same time I started to become very social and outgoing again. I think this is also when all of my friends and family realized I had to have been gay. I began officially coming out by telling my best friend, who had an older gay brother and was very accepting of gay people. She said she knew already, of course, and was just waiting for me to tell her. This was pretty much the same experience with all of my friends. By the end of the year, I was out to everyone who knew me in school. It was nice being out because I was finally being honest with myself, but I was the only gay person at my school. I was generally a happy kid, but I still felt really alone.

The only memorable coming out experience was with my older sister. I’m not sure why, but she was one of the last to find out. I looked up to her a lot and we were very close, so I really should have come out to her before I told everyone at school. But for whatever reason, I felt nervous telling her. It didn’t make sense, considering she had several gay friends.

My sister and I were sitting on our back porch one night drinking white wine and looking at shoes on my laptop. Eventually, after a few too many drinks, my sister got the courage to ask me a question I’m sure she’d thought about for years.

“Listen. Did you ever think you might be gay?”

“Um. Well, yeah. I already know I am.”

Of course she wanted to know why I waited to tell her, but I didn’t really have an answer for that. Afterwards, it was as if nothing happened. It was just another night together. We talked and gossiped into the wee hours of the morning.

I’m quite glad my coming out turned out to be so unremarkable. Coming out doesn’t seem monumental to me anymore because being gay is just another part of me. But even though I found acceptance at home and at school, I still felt profound loneliness. I was the only out gay person I knew. And it’s because of the loneliness I felt that I now find myself living in New York City.